Another Year Over, and a New One Just Begun...

I LOVE Christmas music, and I'm having a hard time giving it up now that December is over. I like the lyrics of the song "Happy Christmas":

So this is Christmas

And what have you done

Another year over

And a new one just begun...

Every time I hear that song it makes me really think about the past year and what I have done. Was it a year worth remembering? Was it a year wasted, in which I could have used my time and energy better? A year seems like a long time...next Christmas feels so far away. But when you put it in perspective, a year is a very short time. In fact, our entire lives on this earth are but a short time compared to our eternity in heaven.

With 2010 now in full swing, I have been reflecting back on the year 2009. To be completely honest, I think it was one of the worst and best years of my life...and definitely the hardest thus far! Full of trials and blessings all at once! Living in Louisville was one of the best decisions Mark and I have made. It was a wonderful place to grow our marriage, for Mark to add to his education, and for us to experience life outside of ministry work for a year. We also met some wonderful people and made some lifelong friends. I will always miss life in Louisville.

The year was also a tough one as we went through several months of infertility testing and procedures, and as we prayed and thought about what the next steps would be in our life regarding ministry work. Infertility testing was a huge emotional battle for me. I struggled emotionally and physically for quite awhile. I know I couldn't have gotten through it without my faith. We finally decided we were going to be done "trying" and we were ready to move on with adoption. That was such a relief to me.

The last few months of 2009 were full of surprises and things that were only from God. He brought us to Prague, OK in September. Oklahoma was the one place we honestly thought we would never move back to. God definitely knows better than we do! We have enjoyed our past few months here, the new friends we have made, and look forward to how God will use us here. The biggest surprise of 2009 was finding out we are expecting! Another huge answer to prayer, and God's way of showing us that His ways are not our ways, and His timing is perfect!

All in all, 2009 was a good year. Full of trials and blessings, God was in it all! It's now a new year and a new decade, and I can't wait to see what God has in store! It's a year of big changes for us...a new house, new town, new church, new job for Mark, and a new addition to our family in June! I am not a fan of New Year's resolutions, but I do have a few goals for this year:

-have a deeper desire to grow in God's Word, and to do so daily

-be a better encouragement to my husband and figure out how I can better meet his needs

-learn to better manage my time, which is something I especially need to work on with a new baby on the way!

-learn to better trust the Lord and give Him my worries, fears, and anxieties!

What did you do and learn in 2009, and what are your goals for 2010? May this new year bring new blessings, new insight, and a greater knowledge of our Lord and Savior!

His perfect timing!

Wow, I just realized that it's been a couple months since I have written a post! Sorry! I can't say that I don't have time to write, but I've had a lot on my mind lately and a lot of big changes in life! With Thanksgiving just two days away, I have realized that I need to be more grateful all the time! I find myself constantly asking God for things in my prayers, but not nearly enough do I spend time actually THANKING Him for things!!! It's sad that many of us forget to be thankful except during the holiday when we celebrate what we're thankful for. We shouldn't have to have a holiday in order to be thankful. With that being said, here are 10 things that I am thankful for:

10. Our new home and the fact that Mark's dad was able to come down and help us fix it up

9. New friends as well as those who have been our friends for years

8. Our new church family and freedom to worship God openly whenever we want to!

7. Good health

6. Loving and supportive family

5. My husband and his hard work and desire to serve the Lord

4. Little things that we often take for granted such as laughter, a pet, or waking up to sunshine

3. God's forgiveness, grace, and mercy

2. God's perfect timing!

1. The precious little life that God is forming inside me!

Did that last one surprise you?! It surprised us too! It's true...Mark and I are expecting our first baby due at the end of June 2010!! Most of you who have read my blog are aware that we have tried to conceive for over two years and were in the very beginning stages of adoption before we moved to Oklahoma a couple months ago. When we moved to Oklahoma, we had to put the adoption process on hold for a couple of months while we looked for a home and got settled in here. About a month and a half ago (while I was visiting my family in Michigan) I found out that we are pregnant, and boy was it one of the best surprises ever! I sometimes still have a hard time remembering that it's actually real! When you spend two and a half years thinking that you may never give birth to a child, it makes it harder to believe that it actually is real! As hard as the past two and a half years have been, I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that I needed to go through those trials in order to grow and become more reliant on the Lord. God's timing is perfect and this is the child that He has had in mind for us long before he/she was ever conceived. During the past two years, God has really opened our hearts to international adoption, and Mark and I still believe that God wants for us to adopt one day, but obviously right now is not the time. I still pray that if God wants us to adopt, He will show us when the time is right. For now we are focusing on thanking the Lord for this precious gift He has given us, and are praying for perfect health for this child, as well as wisdom to raise this child to follow after the Lord. Right now I am 10 weeks along and we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time yesterday! What a precious sound to hear!

In other recent news, we closed on our house last Thursday! It needs a little bit of work before we move in, but I know it will be a wonderful first home for our growing family!! We are thankful that Mark's dad is here from Indianapolis helping us fix it up right now. I will post before/after pictures when it's all done!

We are loving our new church family, and are grateful for their love and care for us! Mark loves his new job as minister of music and he is doing an amazing job! We will be spending Thanksgiving with a family from our church (which we are very grateful for!). This will also be the first time that we do not do any traveling around Christmas. Mark's family will be coming to spend a few days with us around Christmas, but we will not be able to see my family at all. I am grateful that I at least got to spend some time with them in October.

Well, there ya go...that is a very shortened version of all the big changes that have been happening in our lives! We are so thankful for the Lord's blessings as well as the trials that He uses to make us stronger. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain

Things are starting to settle down a bit, so I thought I would take the time to write an update! For those of you who don't know, Mark and I moved to Oklahoma two and a half weeks ago. God sure does work in mysterious ways. Oklahoma is truly the one state that we always thought we would never move back to, and we were pretty sure about that when we left. But a little over a year later...look where we are! We loaded the moving truck and left Louisville on September 5, arriving in Prague, OK on September 6. It took a total of about 15 hours. Mark drove a 24ft moving truck towing his car, and I followed behind in the other car. The whole trip went well except for a cracked windshield. Mark started working on September 8, as the full-time music minister at First Baptist Church of Prague, OK. Mark is loving every minute of it and is doing a great job. I am enjoying it as well, but am still getting used to small town life. We went from living in the very large city of Louisville, to a small town of two thousand people...it's quite the change! The people here are wonderful, though.

We do not yet have a place to live, but we have been blessed to stay in a small efficiency apartment outside the home of one of the church members (who also happens to be the mayor of Prague). They have been very kind and hospitable to allow us to stay here as long as needed. We have looked at several homes in the area and actually had a home inspection on one yesterday. The inspection went very well and we are now praying about what to do next.

I would appreciate your prayers about a job for me. I am needing a part-time job, and in such a small town there are not many job options. I have a bachelor's degree and really don't want to work at a bank or substitute teach (I have never had a desire to teach in any way). A job like that sort of makes me feel like college was a waste, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Please pray I will find a job that I will enjoy.

Many of my previous blog posts have been about adoption. Most of you know that Mark and I have experienced infertility for over two years now and were in the process of pursuing adoption. When we found out we were moving to Prague, we had to put that process on hold until we get settled here. Please continue to pray for us regarding this. We are not quite sure when we should resume that process. Also, we truly feel like we are supposed to adopt overseas from Ethiopia, but the financial aspect of that is really starting to scare me. I know that if it's what God wants, He will provide the finances...but it's really scary knowing that we need to pay more than half of a year's salary in order to adopt overseas.

Well...that's the quickest update I can give without writing a novel. A lot has happened in the past month! We appreciate your prayers!

Time for an Update!

I can't believe it's already the middle of August! Where did the summer go?! It obviously went by too quickly because I haven't had a chance to give an update in quite awhile. A LOT has happened in the past couple of months! Mark and I just got back from Michigan. It was nice to see my family, but it felt different this time for some reason. We helped my sister and her husband and kids get settled into their new home at Lincoln Lake Baptist Camp. Jim (my sister's husband) just became the executive director of the camp. I'm happy for them. It has been their dream for quite awhile to have that job. It's definitely not going to be an easy one, but well worth it. I spent the majority of the week painting and sewing. We got the kids' rooms completed...and they look pretty good!
Although I love my family dearly, I am beginning to feel like I don't fit in anymore. My oldest sister has four children. My next oldest sister just informed me she is pregnant with their third child. And my younger sister is due with her first sometime soon. As much as I want to be happy for them...it's really hard. There are now 8 children between my three sisters. I often feel like by the time Mark and I have kids (if that ever happens), that our children will just be forgotten in the midst of all the rest. I feel like I have nothing in common with any of my sisters anymore. All they ever talk about is their children (and I understand that), but it makes me feel like I don't fit in, like there's something wrong with me. I don't know what God is doing in us, and why He has chosen me for this...but I do know He has a plan and it will be good. But it doesn't make it any easier. We often have to suffer in order to become stronger.
Speaking of children, our adoption plans have been put on hold for a couple of months...but for good reasons. God recently made it clear that His plans are for us to move back to Oklahoma soon. Mark recently got hired as the full-time music minister at FBC Prague, Oklahoma. We are very excited at this new opportunity to minister, but it is a little overwhelming for me. I have a hard time with change, and it usually takes me a few months to adjust. It seems like it all happened so fast! Now I am getting ready to pack up all our stuff and move back to Oklahoma (the one place we always said we would probably never go back to, ha). God sure does have a sense of humor and plans that are way beyond anything we would ever imagine on our own. I really am looking forward to Oklahoma. Life was always much more simple there. It's a slower paced life and the one thing I will never forget about Oklahoma is how loving the people are! Right now our plans are to move over Labor Day weekend, but we do not yet have a place to live. We will be staying with some people from the church until we can find a place of our own. Because of that, we can't go any further with the adoption process right now. The next step was to get a homestudy done, and we have to get a new homestudy every time we move. They are not exactly cheap, so we need to wait until we move somewhere permanently. Please pray that we will find a home that we will be comfortable in and that will meet our needs. Prague is a very small town, so there are not exactly a lot of options, but I know God has something great in store. We just have to be patient and wait...our life is full of waiting. Another decision we are trying to make is how Mark will finish his schooling. He is almost halfway done with his Master's Degree, and it's not something he is going to quit. We have a few options as to how he will finish once we move to Oklahoma, but we have to weigh the pros and cons. Please pray for us as we have many changes and unknowns that lie ahead. We are excited about the new opportunities!
On a last note...I really am going to miss Louisville! We have only been here for a year, but I have really grown to love this city! It's definitely my favorite city that I've ever lived in and I think it's a wonderful city to raise a family in, but hopefully we will be raising a family in Oklahoma sometime soon. It's going to be quite a change going from this large city to Prague, but we will adjust...slowly:)
Thank you for all your prayers!

Crazy month of June

Well June has been a crazy month to say the least, and I'm sad to see it go. Here's a little glimpse of the month in review:
-June 1st: finished moving into our new duplex, which I will post pictures of at some point
-June 5-8: our friends from Oklahoma, John and Brenda, visited us for a few days
-June 13-20: my parents, brother, and oldest niece and nephew came to visit, which was the most wonderful week ever! There was never a dull moment and I'm pretty sure we did just about everything there is to do in Louisville that week...including a whole day at Six Flags on one of the hottest days of the year!
-June 16: our 3 year wedding anniversary!
-June 28-30: my wonderful friend Jamie and her son Grant came to visit from Michigan! We had a great time!

So that was a glimpse of the past month, not to mention our normal everyday work schedules and everything else. Just a side note...we NEVER have visitors (except for Mark's parents who usually come to visit every once in awhile, which we enjoy). In fact, we haven't had a single out of town visitor since we moved here a year ago. But for some reason, we had 3 sets of visitors all in the same month! I'm not gonna lie...it was wonderful to have visitor after visitor and I had the most wonderful time with everyone! But maybe next year we could space our visitors out a little:) I kind of got spoiled with all the visitors, and to be honest I have been feeling very lonely for the past several days. Sadie was spoiled too...she misses all the extra attention from the kiddos.

As for July, we don't really have any plans as of yet...other than to make some very big decisions regarding jobs, school, church, and adoption. The whole adoption process has been on my mind a lot lately. Our month of July started out with a meeting with another adoption agency. We thought we had our minds set on domestic adoption, but after meeting with this other agency we are now seriously considering international adoption, particularly from the African country of Ethiopia. I am so confused about what God wants us to do and how a young couple pursuing a career in ministry like ourselves is going to be able to afford the $20,000+ to bring our child home. I know God has a perfect plan, but I constantly find myself very anxious about it all and I don't know how to calm my anxious thoughts. Please pray for us as we continue to pursue God's will in this challenging time in our lives. Also, I have decided that since most of my blog posts recently seem to be about our adoption process...I am going to start a separate blog that is dedicated purely to our adoption journey. That way this blog can be devoted to our everyday lives, and if you care to read about our adoption journey and support us through it, you can read the new blog, which will be coming soon! Here are a couple pics from when my niece and nephew came to visit us along with my parents.

"WAIT"

June has been a super busy month and I probably have a lot to update you about...but for now I'd just like to leave you with this poem. I came across it in a book I was recently reading and it really touched my heart. If you ever wonder why God makes us wait so much, read this poem! It is the story of my life right now!

"Wait" by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

A Cartoon with a Different Perspective

I think this cartoon is great! A friend of ours who adopted overseas showed me this cartoon on someone else's blog, and I just had to use it.
So often, people seem to think that adoption is to be considered only as a last resort to infertility. Yes, if we had been able to conceive right away, we probably would not be pursuing adoption right now. However, it is definitely not a last resort for us. There are probably several more tests and procedures we could have done in relation to our infertility, but we have chosen not to be those people who spend endless years and amounts of money trying to figure out our infertility. So far, Mark and I have no answers as to why we can't conceive other than that it's not God's will at this time. That is all the answer I need right now. No, it's not easy...and many days I wish that someone would tell me the reason for our infertility, but right now I am ok with not knowing. It gives me hope for the future...and I believe that if God wants us to conceive, it will happen in His time. However, that does not mean that I don't still struggle with it and that I don't still get teary-eyed at the thought that I may never experience a child growing inside me. But I can't imagine going through this struggle without knowing God and having faith in Him! I recently finished reading a book called "Adopted for Life" by Dr. Russell Moore. It is absolutely amazing! Even if you have never considered adoption, I would definitely recommend it! It is also a great read for those who have close family members and friends who have adopted or are going through the process. It will give you a fresh outlook on adoption, and also does a great job relating it to our adoption in Christ. It brought many tears to my eyes as I was reading. It's a quick and easy read, so please read it if you have the slightest interest!

Decisions, Decisions...

For those of you who keep up with my blog, I wanted to give a quick update. Mark recently finished his first year of seminary last week! I am so proud of him, and he is definitely ready for a little break. Currently, we are praying about God's will for our lives. We are not sure whether to keep pursuing school right now, and we are praying about job situations and children. If you haven't yet heard, we have decided to pursue adoption! It is exciting, yet a little scary, and there are many unknowns. I am trying to find peace in knowing that God already has a child for us and we just need to trust Him. We would really appreciate your prayers through this continued journey. Yesterday, we drove to Indianapolis and had an orientation meeting with Baptist Children's Home. They do mostly infant adoptions, which is what we are interested in. It was a great meeting. We got a lot of good information and a formal application to fill out if we decide to move forward with it. The first major step in the process after filling out the application is to have a homestudy. We cannot get that done until we first decide what we are going to do with our lives. We need to know that we are going to stay somewhere for at least a year before we decide to have a homestudy done. It can be very expensive, and if we move out of state we will have to have another one done and will have to pay for it all over. As you can see...we have many important decisions coming up! However, we really want to spend a lot of time in prayer and make sure that we don't make any hasty decisions, and that whatever we decide is God's will. We will be looking into a few other adoption agencies before we make a decision about which one to go with. We also have the option of international adoption as well.

Our lease is ending in just a couple of weeks...May 31st, and we really don't know whether to renew it for another year. We can either do a year long lease or a semester lease. A semester lease is more expensive, but it might be worth it since there is so much up in the air right now. I do like our apartment and the fact that there are many beautiful places to walk near our apartment, but since we are unsure about Mark's schooling, and we currently live on campus...it makes the decision a difficult one.

My parents are coming to visit us in mid-June, and they are also bringing my oldest niece and nephew, Joci and Tyson. They will be camping in the area for a week and enjoying the many wonderful things there are to do in Louisville and the surrounding areas. I am so excited to see them! We also have some friends from Oklahoma coming to visit the first weekend in June, and Mark's uncle from Oklahoma will be here for a day in mid-June. We never have visitors from out of state...but now they are all coming at once! June will be a busy month, and it's also our 3 year anniversary! We are looking forward to a great summer!

God, give us clarity

In one more week, Mark will be finished with his first year of seminary. We have been praying A LOT about what God wants us to do after that. We really feel that school is not what we are supposed to be doing right now. Mark has been in school full-time for all 3 years of our marriage. He has grown a whole lot and has gained a wealth of knowledge, but it doesn't take a Master's degree to be able to serve the Lord. Mark has a huge passion for serving the Lord through worship in music, and he does an amazing job. We both feel that we can best be used in a full-time ministry setting right now, but we are not sure if that is God's will right now. We have been praying for complete clarity in our lives...that God will make His will so clear that there will not be a single doubt in our minds. I pray that God will put the answer right in front of our faces so that we can't possibly miss it. Until He makes that clear, we will keep doing what we are doing...trying to make the most of it.

Now, for other news in our lives...one week ago we filled out and mailed in an application for adoption through Baptist Children's Home. That was a HUGE step for us! We have had the application for about 6 months, but have never felt it was the right time to mail it in. Last week, we felt it was time. We have decided to stop "trying" to conceive. If it happens, we will be thrilled beyond belief, but we are not going to do anymore fertility testing or procedures. As far as we know, we can't have kids...but God is bigger than that, and I have no doubt we will be parents soon, whether by adoption or by natural birth. For now, we are pursuing adoption. We feel that is the next step to take. We mailed the forms in on Monday, and got a phone call from BCH on Friday to set up a time to come for an orientation/interview. We do not yet have a date set for that, but it will probably be within the next few weeks. Once we have that meeting, we will know a lot more. What we have been told is that it can be a 2-3 year process. I have been praying that if it is God's will for us to adopt, that he will give us a child who will be the perfect fit for our family. I also pray that He will give us patience and peace during the process. It can be a long, emotional process. Adoption is expensive, but I believe that if it is truly God's will, He will provide the finances. I pray daily for our future children. Whether we adopt them or God decides to allow us to conceive, they will be OUR children. It doesn't matter their nationality or skin color or whether they look anything like me. If we adopt, that child will be ours and I can't wait to raise him/her in the ways of the Lord! I know God has a child/children out there for us, and when I finally do get to hold that child in my arms...it will be all the more special because of all we have been through in the process. I can't wait to hold my baby and know that God created that child for me, so that Mark and I can raise him/her to follow in the ways of the Lord. One day...I will be a mom! And as mother's day approaches, for those of you who are mothers, I hope you know how blessed you are...and I hope you remember all those "mothers" who have empty arms because God has not yet chosen to give them that blessing. I know that God has great things in store. "I will not quit. By God's grace, I can do it."

Quick Update

For those of you who read this...I'd like to know:) I don't know that very many people read my blog or are interested in reading it, but I'd love to know if you do. I just realized that it has been about a month since I last wrote something, so I thought I'd just write a quick update for those of you who actually read this.

Life has been crazy...and extremely hard! Mark started working at UPS about 6 weeks ago and we have had to adjust to a new schedule. He goes to bed by 9pm at the latest, then wakes up at 3am to be at UPS from 4am-9am. He then comes home for 20 minutes, changes his clothes and heads to his second job at BestBuy from 10am to 3pm. This happens every day M-F, not to mention that he goes to class on Monday and Thursday evenings. For now, he does have the weekends free, for which we are extremely grateful, but his schedule is not exactly ideal. I am so proud of Mark for all his hard work and thankful for what he does for our family. I recently started a new nanny job for two boys ages 1 and 4. It's about 20 hours a week, and I also have several other babysitting/odd jobs. More than anything, I would love to be a stay at home mom, but apparently that is not God's plan for me right now. I am having a hard time accepting that, but I will get there. We recently have spent a good amount of money on several infertility tests and procedures, but to no avail. I think we are done with anymore infertility procedures right now. I guess that our desires are not God's desires at the moment. I know that is easy to write in a blog...but really finding contentment in the fact that God doesn't want us to have children right now is extremely hard to accept. The past month has been a huge struggle for me. Emotionally, I am completely worn out. My dad and oldest sister drove through the night last week to come get me in Louisville and bring me back to Michigan for a week so that I could have a break from the emotions and stresses of life right now. I am grateful for my family and their willingness to help me through this difficult time. Right now I am in Traverse City, MI spending time with my two older sisters and their children (and my parents) at the Great Wolf Lodge. It is a nice change in pace from my normal, every day life. I don't get to see my family very often since we live 6 hours away, so it has been nice to spend time with them this past week. Mark is still at home in KY because of work, and while I am enjoying my time in MI, I am really missing him. Next week it's back to "normal" life again...although I'm not sure there really is such a thing as normal.

Well, that's a quick update on life here. Sorry I don't have anything profound to write at the moment, but thanks for checking in.

For Better or For Worse

When Mark and I said our wedding vows almost three years ago, I had no idea what God had in store for us or how I would have to live up to the "for better or for worse" part of our vows. I can honestly say that we have definitely lived our share of the "for worse" part of our vows in the past year. It seems like there has been one bad thing after another, and every time I feel like things may be looking up, something happens to bring me back down again.
The other day I was spending some time with God and this was the quote in my devotional that day:

"Discipleship is the call to Calvary, first and foremost to receive the forgiveness and salvation provided by God's great love. But we are never to remain solely as forgiven penitents. We are called to grow as God's sons and daughters, to serve as His faithful stewards, to learn as His devoted disciples. And all of that growth, service, and learning is most practically processed not by the way we handle life's blessings, but by the way we live through its bad days." - Jack Hayford

Wow! That hit me like a brick! God is testing me right now...He wants to see my faithfulness and devotion to Him by how I can live through these hard times. He wants me to grow from these trials and to place my trust in His sovereign plan.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Something to Pray About

Today I began filling out forms for something I never really imagined myself doing. They are forms for adoption. No, not forms for adopting a dog (although I have done that as well), but forms to adopt a child. I guess word has gotten out that Mark and I have struggled with infertility for quite awhile now. We have kept pretty quiet about it because I feel it is a rather private part of our marriage, and most people just don't understand when you tell them you are struggling with infertility. Mark and I have been married for almost 3 years now. Yes, we have had more than our share of struggles, bad decisions, good times and bad times, but God has blessed us and we are trying our best to have a marriage that glorifies Him. We have always known we want to have children, and we wanted to have them young. We have tried for almost two years now, and have recently been through several infertility tests. Truth is, it will be difficult for us to conceive a child. You will never understand the pain this brings to our hearts unless you have been through it. I think it's safe to say that infertility is one of the hardest things any married couple may ever have to go through. It seems like every week I find out that another one of my friends or family members is pregnant. I have spent many days in tears and constantly cried out to God, wondering why everyone I know is having children, but we can't. Sometimes it's hard working in the nursery or listening to people brag about their kids. I watch Mark with other children and think to myself, "what a wonderful father he would make." Recently, I believe God has opened my heart and Mark's as well to the opportunity of adoption. I am not willing to be one of those people who puts themselves through several painful and emotional infertility procedures, and tens of thousands of dollars in debt, only to never conceive a child. I truly feel that if God wants us to conceive a child of our own, then He will allow it to happen without all those medical interventions. I am starting to feel that perhaps it is God's will for us to adopt, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Yes, we are still young, but adoption is a long process. Usually 2-3 years, and it can be very costly. For the past couple of weeks, I have been praying that if it is God's will for us to adopt, then He will give us the perfect child for our family, and He will provide every penny for the cost of the adoption. I also continue to pray that God will help us to conceive a child of our own, but if it is not His will, I pray that God will give me contentment in that. God calls us to take care of widows and orphans, and my eyes have recently been opened to the ministry opportunities that can bring. I now believe that even if God does bless us with children of our own, I would still want to adopt a child one day. Mark and I would greatly appreciate your prayers regarding these things. It is a daily struggle and a very emotional process...but deep down in my heart I know God has a perfect plan for our family, and I believe He will give us children, whether it is naturally, through adoption, or both.

The TV Dilemma

For the first two years of our marriage, Mark and I lived on campus at Oklahoma Baptist University while he finished his undergrad. Living on campus was wonderful in the sense that we both worked on campus and hardly ever used our car. We were also given the luxury of having free internet and cable TV. I never had cable tv growing up...in fact, my parents never even owned a VCR or DVD player until after I was in college. We hardly ever watched tv when I was a kid, but I don't think I missed out on anything. I loved to play games and be creative. Having 3 sisters was fun, and there was hardly ever a dull moment!

All that to say...when we were suddenly given free cable tv after I got married, I was excited! I LOVE watching HGTV and TLC. Those are two of my favorite channels, and I could watch them all day...and I pretty much did. I would watch tv for my hour lunch break, and as soon as I got home from work at 5pm, the tv would be on for the rest of the night until we went to bed. Between my love for TLC and HGTV and Mark's love of ESPN, the tv was ALWAYS on!

We never realized it at the time, but our tv watching habits were slowly eating away at our marriage. We thought we were spending time together sitting on the couch watching tv, but almost two years into our marriage we realized that we really went wrong in that part of our lives. We hardly ever sat down at the table to have dinner and we rarely had serious conversations or even asked eachother how the day was. I definitely don't blame all of our failures in our marriage on bad tv habits, but it was definitely a big part of things we did wrong. Few of you know the details about the hardships Mark and I have faced in our marriage since about a year ago. While it's not necessary to share those details, I will say that we have been through the fire more than our share of times and have dealt with hardships most people shouldn't have to face this early in their marriage. We slowly realized that a lot of problems stemmed from a lack of good communication early on...and I think a lot of that can be contributed to watching tv for 7 hours a day.

After being homeless and jobless for the summer, we moved to Louisville, KY, where we vouged to make some major changes in our habits. The first thing we promised to do was not to get cable tv. It was hard at first, but oh what a world of difference it has made! While our schedules are crazier than ever, it seems like we actually have more time together because we hardly ever watch tv. We love taking walks and going to the park. While money is tight, we don't eat out a lot or do many activities that cost money...but there are tons of things we can do together that cost very little. I can honestly say that our marriage is better than ever now...we have made a lot of changes (aside from the tv change). That doesn't mean we don't have hardships, but we have better equipped ourselves to handle them and to trust the Lord in what He is doing.

SO...after saying all that, we just found out last night that next month we will be getting free cable TV in our apartment on campus at Southern Baptist Seminary! It was exciting when we first heard that, but then we stopped to think about it and realized how much better our lives are without tv. It will be hard, but we are going to try our best not to fall back into those bad habits. I think it's just another test God is throwing our way. FREE cable...what do we do? If tv is a struggle in your life, I encourage you to take some time away from it and see what a difference it can make. If you have fun things you enjoy doing that don't cost a lot of money, I'd love to hear about it!

Friends...who are they really?

I know it has been a couple months since I have written anything on here, but most people probably didn't notice since there are not many people who know about our blog yet. I am hoping for it to be a place where I can write my thoughts day to day and get some feedback from people. I love reading blogs of friends. I find it a great encouragement and love reading the thoughts of other people. If you enjoy reading blogs or want to keep up with our lives, please read and please give me feedback! I love to hear comments and truth...plus it encourages me to keep writing if I know people are reading.
I recently took a break from facebook (I think it was at least a couple months that I went without it). Some of you may find that hard to imagine because you practically live on facebook. That's what I thought too, but I found my facebook break to be a much needed release for my life. While yes, it is a wonderful way to keep in contact with old friends, I was feeling it to be a very impersonal way of having "friendships". Plus, the news/mini-feed on facebook seems to tell you everything about your "friends" before you decide you even want to hear it. There were times I logged onto facebook and read things that maybe I didn't want to find out by a facebook newsfeed. I feel blogging is a good solution to all of that because you don't have to read my blog if you don't want to. If you go to my blog, it is because you purposely and intentionally want to read it...not because you signed onto fb to say hi to a friend and found out a million facts about several other people in the meantime. In saying all that, I am back on facebook, but mostly because there are a few friends I really miss keeping in contact with. For now, I will give facebook a second chance. We will see how long it lasts. However, I must say that sometimes I truly miss the days of receiving letters in the mail or having a nice phone conversation with an old friend. Most of that has been replaced with email, facebook, and texting. Isn't it weird how you can have so many friends these days, but you never physically have to speak a word to them? What makes you consider a friend a friend? Is it because they are your friend on facebook, because you spoke to them once a couple years ago? I really would like to know...what makes you consider a person your friend?